Lost without my brother

They say a little piece of your family history is ripped away when a sibling dies. My heart is breaking as my “little big” brother passed away a little over a month ago. 

If you're anything like me, you grew up with parents who were like super heroes, and siblings who were gonna rule the world with you one day. You grew up naive to the world that surrounded you. Because through a child's eyes, that's what being "big" looked like. Don't get me wrong, I knew that bad things happened, and people died. But I had created a world where my family was untouchable, where nothing would ever happen to them.

There are no words to describe the loss of a sibling. If you lose a spouse-you're a widow. If you lose your parents-you're an orphan. If you lose a sibling.....you are just a girl who lost her brother. 

I will never forget that morning. I was cooking breakfast for 11 little girls who had just had what they described as the "best night ever". I had missed a call from my dad. I hadn't noticed due to the talking and laughs happening in my dining room. It wasn't unusual to get a call from California at 530 a.m. PST because on Sundays my parents went ballooning. After the girls were fed, I sent them downstairs to get ready and I called my dad back. He answered but said he was driving, "I'll call you back in a few". About 15 minutes later the call that forever changed my life arrived. "Amber Jon is gone". Gone? Where did he go? 

I cried on and off for the rest of the day, and the days that followed. I traveled home to California 3 days after his accident. It felt so surreal walking into our home. The home my parents got for us kids. The home we all grew up in. It didn’t matter that he was a grown man and we had lives of our own now.  I’d lost my brother and it was like I was 14 years old all over again, walking through the house expecting to see him.  He wasn’t in the usual places he used to be and I was the one who felt lost without him. Gradually I let it sink in that he had passed on from this world and was now in another place. 

The hardest part of all this was not what I was going through, it was seeing what my parents were going through. I didn't just grieve as a sister and a daughter. I grieved as a parent. There is nothing that will hit you in the feels more than watching parents grieve for their child. There is nothing that will erase the memory of the moment I was walking out of that mortuary watching my mom carry my brother in an urn.

The night before I returned home to Virginia I slept in his room. I felt some calm in the storm. There is no statute of limitation on grief. There is no time limit to waking up crying. There is no special cure for those dull aches in my heart that don't seem to ever go away. I'm looking forward to the day when I find myself talking about him and not feeling uncomfortable. I'm waiting for the day when the universe sends me a sign to let me know that I'm going to be okay.

My parents thanked me for my strength and for taking on what I did while I was home. No thanks needed mom and dad. THANK YOU! Thank you for being amazing parents. Thank you for my brother (even when I was a 5 year old little brat crying that I wanted a sister). Thank you for giving us a good life and instilling in us the importance of family. Thank you for all the memories you made possible. 

I will forever hold all the memories of our time together in my heart. I can't imagine the rest of my life without Jon, but I I find comfort knowing he is now our guardian angel. 

Time, time is moving...and I may or may not be okay with it

My kids are growing. Soon they’ll enter the "grown years", when mothers become a barely tolerated presence in their kids’ lives. All we're gonna be good for is food, cash, and transportation. With that in mind, I’m trying like hell to enjoy the time I’ve got left in the "little kid" years.

And I do enjoy a lot of it. I love that my kids still rely on goodnight hugs, kisses, and stories read aloud in order to fall asleep. I do. It’s too bad that this special time always comes at the end of the day when my nerves are frayed and my wine is downstairs waiting for me with the promise of peace and quiet.

I love that my kids still crave my approval and I know I’ll miss it when they no longer need or want my attention. But really, I just can’t get interested in what you accomplished in your kindle game and the fact that song you’re singing was cute, an hour ago.

These little kid years are fleeting and all the magic that comes with them is but a moment in our children’s lives. As parents we know this so we try to drink up all the magic, and create even more by putting our children in situations where there will be more and more and more magic. Our little kids’ wonder is our drug.

We bring our children on dreamy kid vacations so we can see that look on their faces – the one of pure wonder and joy that only little kids have. And we get it. We get that moment and our hearts fill, our cups runneth over, and we gain the emotional fortitude it takes not to strangle them when they’re falling apart a few minutes later, throwing epic fits born of over stimulation, exhaustion, and too much sunshine. We get our fill of the magic, and we don’t commit murder when they cry from hunger, freak out, and complain the entire car ride home.

As with so many of the lovely things in life, little-kidhood is a two-sided coin. One side is full of giggles, cuddles, and wonder. It’s all enthusiasm. It’s witnessing a person encounter a firefly for the first time, or a shooting star. It’s understanding that there is no greater thing than s’mores, a snow day, or a rainbow. The other side is quite the opposite. If a day can be the “best day ever!” because of a lollipop, likewise, it can be the worst because of green beans touching potatoes. A sibling can be a best friend, and a mortal enemy vying for the love of the people who should only have eyes for you.

This tricky coin flips easily and many times per day. Anything can flip it. There are known triggers that we parents work hard to mitigate: hunger, fatigue, over stimulation, errands, lines, frustration, transition, waiting 5 more minutes for anything, but especially dinner. It can flip back just as easily.  We parents live our lives by this fickle coin.

I’m trying hard to relish the waning years of little-kidness remaining to me. I marinate in morning snuggles and sweetness, which helps me manage later-morning attitude. I exalt moments of sibling playfulness, full of princess dresses, super hero antics, and astonishing imagination. This helps me through sibling fights full of yelling, hitting, and inevitable crying. I cherish childish mispronunciations and misunderstandings. Mostly, I have to be actively mindful of my limited time in this space. My kids are getting bigger. I have to get all the cuddles now.

We should empower, but not belittle!

Something has been bothering me a lot lately. I have seen and been the backlash of a lot crap talking. Women belittling other women. To be specific, I'm talking about the topic of being fit. Since when has it become a crime for a woman to want to  better herself and become more healthy? And who are "you" to judge that fact?

I understand that life happens. And it may not be on everyone's agenda. Some people may be happy with themselves. Some may be battling a deeper battle. And some of us just like to feel good.

I'm quite tired of hearing "you skinny bitch", "must be nice to have time", "you're so lucky", etc. I would never put someone down for being the complete opposite.
First off I am not skinny, I weigh 138 lbs and have curves. Second, I do have time. I paid my dues, I raise and stay home with 2 (sometimes 3 kids) and I believe it is my right to be able to utilize the time they are at school to focus on me. Lastly, I am lucky. I know that. But I also make the time and commit myself to being better than I was yesterday.

I will be the first to admit I have envied other women for their ability to do "everything" while looking good. But I also have done a lot of soul searching and have had to learn to be happy with who and what I am.

I would never in a million years put down a woman for trying to better herself. That is something that should be praised. Instead of putting each other down we should be building each other up! 

So with that said, I will keep posting my pics and I will keep "like"-ing yours too! We are on this
journey together! :)

Keep on keeping on,
AMG

Truth be told

I'm sitting here thinking about things that have been happening in lives of people around me, and how although not much of it deals with me directly, I'm still being affected by it all. People who are supposed to be my friends are choosing to push me away because they no longer have a "need" for me. And some of those whom I have a friendship with,  are having stress put on them because we are friends. One word comes to mind, WORTHLESS!

Worthless drama!

Worthless stress!

Worthless feelings!

Worthless everything!

When did we become so consumed in everyone else, that we forget to focus on ourselves? I mean, we do matter, right?

Well maybe we don't, at least not to everyone. 

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired of wasting my time on worthless thoughts, feelings, and time spent with people who don't truly appreciate me.

People who think the world revolves around them. People who think they need to be reported to when they aren't around. People who unless they are around, wanna make everyone else feel bad because they feel left out. People who just plain and simply just want to be in "know" so they can feel needed. 

I'm talking about the same kind of person who is not there when you need them. The one you call and it goes to voice mail. The one who's response prompts an "well I was busy". The one who wants their name on everything but doesn't do the work. 

Sorry, I may be nice, but I am not gonna walk on eggshells so that everyone can feel that their included. 

See, the truth to the matter is that we give to things and people that make us feel good. So if all you do is cause me grief, well then my response is gonna be to avoid you like the plague.

I have written about this new "season" I'm in in my life. It also includes ridding myself of the negativity that swarms me like bees.

I'm constantly stuck in a battle between people. Is it really that hard to believe that you can have more than 1 friend? Not only have those friends, but be confident enough that you can trust that nothing can destroy that bond you have? How about everyone put your big girl panties on and realize that we are not in competition with each other, but supposed to be building each other up! 

It's become such a daily occurrence that I felt inclined to write about it. If you're reading this and you think it's about you....it probably is. So you have one of two choices....1.) get it together and grow up or 2.) remove yourself from my life. It's as simple as that. 

I will continue to pray that God helps me remain true to myself and my beliefs, because let it be known I am not changing what and who I stand for. 

We have the power to decide what we let affect us. I am choosing to be happier and negativity free!

"There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me, that is the true essence of beauty"-Steve Maraboli

It all starts with me

Recently I started a Lean Halloween Challenge. So far, I am 6 days in and I am doing great. But one of the questions I've been asked a lot lately is why? I get kinda stumped when being asked why? It's been pretty obvious for months now that I have been trying to make more time for myself and live a healthier lifestyle...or at least I thought it was....hahaha

But let me take a few minutes to explain...

Lets rewind to when Matt got back from deployment. A few months after he returned home he had some blood work done. His cholesterol was higher than it should be. I went into a panic. Why? Well the Grisham men suffer from various heart diseases. Matt's dad is in his 60's and has a pace maker, has had a quadruple heart bypass, and also has 10 stents in his heart. Recently we found out his hips are deteriorating as well. A man that can't be active cannot keep a failing heart functioning. I don't know about you, but that gives me the heebie jeebies. 

So, that's where I step in. I know I can't change the inevitable. Genetics is genetics. But, I can change the overall lifestyle of myself and my family. So, I sat back, did some research, and dug deep into myself to figure out a plan. One of the things I realized is that I can't change someone else, but I can change me. And as the primary cook, planner, and organizer of my family I could start to make changes in the way I cook and the routine of my family. Who has time for that right? Wrong! I do!!... and I will make the time. 

They say it only takes 28 days to make something a habit. Well I put myself on this 30 day challenge to prove just that. Not to anyone else. TO MYSELF! I am eating better, making better food choices, and being flexible with my time so I have time to work out and be active. All the while taking my family on this journey with me. 

I can't change the course of time. I definitely can't change God's plan. But I can change how I get where I want to go. If making better health choices keeps my husband living heart healthy for just 1 more year then I have done my job. 

Success isn't just about accomplishment. It's also about the things you do in your life to motivate & inspire others to do something motivating and inspiring in theirs. 

Happy Fall Y'all

There’s something about the fall weather that stirs up a million feelings inside of you.  As I’m writing this, I’m sitting and listening to music of a person playing the piano so beautifully.  As I’m sitting here, I can’t help but just think about how lucky I am to be where I am right now and how amazed I am about how quickly life tends to pass you by. I feel like, in a way, we get into this trance- always wanting the next best thing in life, that we never really stop to be grateful for the things we have.

When I was a little girl, I used to dream about being sixteen. I felt like sixteen was the golden age- you’re not quite a child anymore, but you’re not an adult with real-world responsibilities either.  I was so obsessed with the fact that turning sixteen meant that I got to get wear make-up and more freedom. And then, when I was sixteen, I couldn't wait until I turned eighteen. When I was eighteen, I used to be so excited to turn twenty-one. And twenty-one turned into dreaming about what it would feel like to get engaged and married.

I remember being that little girl who was fearless.

But she was also the girl that always fell too hard for people that she cared about. She was always that girl that loved too much and  never felt she was loved back.  She was always the one that felt invisible when she was lonely. She was always the one who was nice to everyone, no matter how mean they were to her and no matter how much they talked about her behind her back because she didn't give into peer pressure. She was always the one that lit up a room when she smiled. She was always the one that cared too much, but didn't care because she felt like everyone needed that someone to be that person for them. She always was the one who giggled when she thought something was funny. She was always that girl who wanted to explore life and the world.

I’ve always been amazed at how many people enter and exit from my life (being a military wife doesn't help). It’s always amazing to see how much people influence our lives. How a kind smile or a warm embrace is enough to make your day so much better. Or how a fight is enough to ruin your day. I think that everyone that enters your life makes an impact. That they change your life for the better. I’d like to believe that these kind exchanges are about the heart. Life is full of "would've, could’ve, should’ves" of chances you should’ve taken, or things you should’ve said when you had the chance to spill your heart’s contents. As Marilyn Monroe, once said, “we should all start to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid, so are regrets.” I’m so thankful for the people who have walked into my life – who have changed my life without ever knowing it. Who taught me that life isn’t always fair, but it’s a beautiful one and that we should always be grateful for it. And that regrets are never as bad as we think they are because something better eventually finds us.

It feels like just yesterday, I made my first "big girl" decision to move cross country and in with my boyfriend (who later became my husband). The past "adult" years have been full of everything. If there’s truly one regret that I can’t work through, it’s that I sometimes look past being grateful for the things that are happening right now. I’ve always been busy looking ahead at things that might not exactly work out the way I’ve always pictured them to turn out, but throughout it all, I wouldn’t change a single second of it. Because I’ve grown in so many ways and I’ve learned so many lessons because of the things that my life has taken me through.

I guess, throughout all of this, I hope you realize that even though life is fragile, it’s a beautiful one and it’s the only chance we have to be the best people we can be. So love the ones that love you the way you should be loved, take every chance that life has given you, travel the world a million times if you have to, and enjoy what life has given you. Because no matter where you are, I think it’s important that you get there.

It's a wonderful life

I’ll admit; I've never payed much attention to my ability to write. I've never been a person that’s totally comfortable writing about myself or about the things I've been through. Maybe it’s because I’m not totally comfortable with myself or maybe it’s because I have a really hard time just letting go and learning how to trust people. I feel like people get really frustrated with me because I have a really hard time letting people find out who I really am. Sometimes, I feel like if I give everything away- my thoughts, my fears, my feelings- that once that person decides to leave (which they always do at one point or another), I won’t have anything left to myself. I love my best friends, and I have no earthly idea what I would do without them, but they don’t know everything about me, and sometimes, it’s really hard because I want to feel like I can tell them everything. I've been told so many times that I just have an absolute perfect knack for getting people together. Maybe the reason why I purposefully do that is because I truly want to see others happy and not feeling like their alone, because I know all too well what that feels like.

I've learned a lot this last year- who I am, who I want to be, what I want out of life, what my deepest fears are, what makes me so happy, and who I am in Christ. There are still a ton of things that I have yet to learn, and for me, life is constantly showing me that I don’t know everything. I’m still learning. I’m still learning how to be a better person. And how to be a better wife. And how to be a better mother. And how to be a better friend. I’m not perfect- far from it. It frustrates me when people think I’m perfect or that I try to act like I’m perfect. People always ask how I keep my house clean, keep a busy schedule, and not lose my cool....but the thing is, I’m not trying to be perfect. At all. I feel like people won’t respect you unless you have respect for yourself. People should love you for your heart, not because of what you look like or the things that you've done. If you show people your heart and how much you care about them, people will like you for you. And if they don’t, well it’s their loss. I think that one of the biggest things that I've learned this year is that there’s so much more to people than meets the eye, and people are so much bolder and so much more beautiful than they give themselves credit for. Just remember, that sometimes, the way you think about a person, isn't the way they actually are.

None of us are perfect, and we’re trying; constantly trying- and struggling- to make sense out of this crazy world. We’re expected to know exactly who we are and who we want to be, and what we want out of life. We’re expected to know to be the best spouses, the Pinterest Mom, the social butterfly, volunteer for everything, and become as successful as we can. There’s so many struggles and so many pressures that constantly weigh down on us.  But the reality is, we all make mistakes. Every single one of us. Even me. But there’s only one person that I can think of that doesn't make mistakes - and that’s God. God created you for a reason. And God doesn't make mistakes.  And if there’s one thing I know- I am perfectly content with not being perfect. 

I am so blessed to have such a wonderful family and friends that have helped mold me into the person that I am, and I love each of you so, so, so much. You guys have been my light in times of darkness.

"For you created my inmost being. You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Psalm 139:13-14