Oh B-Cam!

Those of you that really know me, know that I have been presented with quite the challenge when it comes to dealing with my son. Lately it seems as though it is getting better, then getting worse.

He embarrassed me today. Again.

We went to enjoy a nice lunch with some even nicer lady friends and he just didn't want to sit still. He refused to eat...all because I didn't cut his pizza the right way. He pushed his food, screamed and yelled how he wasn't gonna do what I was politely asking him to. A couple trips to the restroom to try to calm him without making a scene (no spankings involved), and nothing seemed to work. He wants what he wants, when he wants it. 

Oh how the people-pleaser in me cringes during these exchanges I just want to crawl under the nearest piece of furniture and hide. "That's not my son, really. I don't know who belongs to that ill-mannered child."

But Brycen is my child and I'm deeply grateful for him. And while I'm not a perfect parent, I didn't make him a strong-willed child. He was born one. When B-Cam was a baby crying, I would sing to him to calm him down, but I had to look the opposite direction while I sang. If I made eye contact and sang, he'd cry louder, in defiance of my attempts to soothe him. The fit throwing, the unwillingness to listen, and the extra time it takes to "convince" him that what I am telling him to do is the right thing have become just another part of our days. 

Many people, myself included (pre-babies) see a child misbehaving and conclude that the parents just aren't strict enough, consistent enough, or strong enough to control their child.  Ahhh, the smugness of parents who have never walked a mile in the shoes of a parent with a strong-willed child! 

I have 2 children, one is strong-willed, and one is not, and let me tell you, parenting a strong-willed child is an entirely different experience.

Yes, I judged. Yes, I am sorry. To everyone who had a child misbehave in public, I am sorry for judging you. I don't know what life looks like in your home, but I do know it is possible to be doing "everything right" and still have a child who acts up.  I do know what it is like to have a child who wakes up ready to fight over every detail of the day and when you are worn out by lunchtime, he is still ready for 15 more rounds.

 I am told I am an amazing mom, I am told I am patient, I am told that it will pass with time, and I am told it's "normal". I don't doubt my abilities, I question my patience, I ask "how much more time?", and if this is "normal", what's "not normal"?

Parenting Brycen has been one of the most humbling experiences of my life. And for that, I am grateful. I am grateful because humility leads me to grace and to God and to all the strength and hope and joy and peace I wouldn't otherwise seek.  And sometimes I have to stop and remember that parenting him may be the greatest challenge of my life. I long to do it well.   

Brycen is teaching me about grace. 

• Grace for him to show him he cannot rebel his way out of my love
• Grace for me to know that I do my best to train him and then pray and trust God
• Grace for his siblings as they learn that our prodigal son is just as precious to us as they are in their obedience