Mom of 2...sometimes 3

I have 3 kids! But truth be told no matter how much I try not to use the step-mom title...I am one. So I say I am a Mom of 2...sometimes 3. 

Writing this has been hard for me, putting down in words the way I feel about being a stepmother presented to be quite the challenge. I have never spoken to a stepmother who hasn't been in a similar position to me or who hasn't felt the same way I do in some point in time, which is why I have chosen to publish this.

It's rare that I admit it, but sometimes being a step-mom is really hard. For me, being Mom"ish" is like having the job I always dreamed of and finding out the benefit package has a couple of major things missing but I work around it because I love it so much. I work with the best people, love what I do, feel like I'm at my very best when I'm doing it, find personal satisfaction in doing the job, and believe I'm making a difference. It's the role of a lifetime and yet sometimes its still hard to do, not because I don't love it but because sometimes even the job you love takes work and patience.

When Matt and I first started dating I was quite turned off by the idea of dating a 21 year old divorcee with a kid. It definitely wasn't my idea of fun. I honestly didn't want to meet Caitlyn unless he told her mother 1st. I had been through the single parent thing with a good friend of mine. Seeing her struggles of dealing with an ex and his family were enough to put up a red flag. But, we're still kickin', so obviously that means I stuck it out.

I struggled with my "role" for the longest time. I really didn't know my place. I love kids. And she loved me. But being her Mom-ish just wasn't my idea of living the dream. I moved cross country to be with the man I loved, and no sooner than 3 weeks later his daughter was living with us and I was all of sudden her Primary care-giver. WTH? I had no idea how to deal with having a child in my possession 24/7. I spent lots of time setting up her room and trying to make the house kid-friendly. And I was excited. Until, I realized that no one cared about me or how I was feeling. They all wanted to know how the kid was adjusting to us, not me to her. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a little resentment. I was going through my first real "grown-up" move and living cross country from everyone I knew. For what? To be a Mom? 

Being a Step-mom isn’t easy: it’s a tough balancing act. If like me, the first kids you parent are your stepkids, you get the work of learning to be a parent at the same time that you have to learn when to stand aside.

I have no doubt that the lessons in patience I receive as a step-mom are the direct result of my inherit lack of patience before I became a parent. The part that takes the most patience? Learning to be patient with "the other family" and understanding that when things are said that are hurtful and short sided, they're said out of insecurity, misunderstanding, miscommunication, or misplaced fear. Its so easy to blame the step-mom for something mom's family doesn't like or understand. Its simple to think that she can't love or care for the family as much as mom's family did or still does. Its only logical to think that she must be the cause of all of the difficulties that come up in a divorced family. Blaming the step-mom is easy but not always the right answer. 

Being a Mother is one of the most difficult jobs you will ever have.  Being a stepmother… well, let’s just say at times it can be even more difficult than being a mother.  Now I cannot speak for every stepmother, I can only tell you about my journey as a step-mom   A rocky road filled with jewels. 

The Stepmonster

Think about word association. When I say "Mother," you might say: caring, loving, nurturing, and helpful.Good things, right? Your mother is a really important person in your life. The one who brought you into the world, who is always there for you no matter what. Who picks you up when you fall. The one person who loves you unconditionally.

Now, when I say "Stepmother," you might say: cold, distant, and uncomfortable; and if you’ve seen any Disney movies: evil, wicked, jealous, manipulative, and murderous. Think about all the movies you've seen that include a stepmother, the books, the fairy tales. The stepmother is the evil one. When there’s a happy ending, the stepmother ends up defeated, dead, or cast aside, as the parents—who always loved each other, they just didn't know it—get back together. Ahh, the fairy tale! The fairy tale ending never includes the stepmother. Let’s be honest here for a minute. Stepmothers aren't exactly a mother’s favorite addition to a child’s life. You can pretend you don’t mind, but think about it, how would you react to another woman trying to raise your children? Of course I understand the impulse to resent a stepmother. The thought of another woman parenting my kids gives me the heebie jeebies, too. But making an effort to understand and accept the step-mom can make things much smoother for your kids. What do you really think of how they contribute to that child’s life? There’s a voice in the back of your head, isn't there? It accuses them, it condemns them, it utters the words no stepmother wants to hear: “You’re not a real mom.”

You want them away from your child. You might really like them, you might really appreciate what they can bring to your child’s life. Maybe you really like seeing your ex happy. But still, it’s there, in the back of your mind. It’s your child. We’re wicked, we’re evil, haven’t you heard the stories? We have warts and moles, or if we don’t we’re nasty on the inside and out to split up the child’s relationship with their father, out to take all his money and ruin his life.

Well, I like to think I’m not wicked and I’m not evil. My stepdaughter likes me, as does her mother for that matter (at least I hope so). I’m certainly not out to ruin my husband’s life or take his money. But every day, that’s the stereotype you’re up against. That’s how you’re viewed. You can’t win. Either you’re an interfering person who wants to take over the role of mother, or you’re cold and uncaring, not mothering material.

You’re Not a Real Mom

Being a stepmother is not easy. A friend of mine once said something that hit the nail right on the head: “Having stepchildren is an absence in your life.” You have emotional and financial responsibilities, like any parent. You have the responsibility to teach, to nurture, and help your stepchild grow. There is a member of your family, of your home, who you want to do the best by. But your hands are tied. You can’t raise them how you would your own, even though everyone says “Treat them like they’re your own child.” You can’t. You have to treat them like their mother would want you to. You have to raise them not how you would, but how she would. You have to uphold what their mother would want you to do, to say. You can't be a part of the major decisions that affect their life.

So you do the best you can. You try to do things as their mother would want you to. You hold back your opinions and you stand in the background. You support their parents, back them up, defend them, whether or not you agree. You present a united front at all times and put aside what you think. All the while, there's a small voice, sometimes outside your head, reminding you: “You’re not a real mom.”

You aren't. You can’t be.

The Child

It doesn't matter how good your stepchild is. It doesn't matter how much they want their parent to be happy. It will be hard for them to accept you and equally hard for you to accept them. This is tough because you’re an outsider and you can see things the parents can’t. Or maybe they can, but they don’t want to. And you can’t say anything. Sometimes you can be filled with so much love for your stepchild you want to burst. Like the time my stepdaughter wrote me a little book called “That’s Why I Love You” with drawings of the two of us, and she’d written a whole story for me. Like when she had a nightmare and my husband was still sleeping, so she said that was OK, she was fine with me. She curled up on the couch with me. We ate ice cream and she said she loved me. But sometimes you listen to the things people say about your stepchild, and you want to yell “They’re not perfect!” because you can see their flaws. You don’t see them the way parents do. But you’re the last person in the world anyone wants to hear that from.

They've had to adjust to you, and in doing so, they have done things to you, and said things to you that can be hard for you to forget. They've hurt you and they don’t apologize.

Sometimes they don’t even mean to, like telling your husband that they wish their mom and dad would get back together. It isn't meant to be hurtful, it’s not intended that way, but you can’t help but think they wish you weren't there.

Accepting, forgetting, and forgiving is required for you to adjust to them.

But your biggest fear is that they won’t like you. Won’t love you. Won’t accept you. So you get nervous, and you stuff up. And every criticism anyone has of what you’re doing is magnified a thousand times.

All you can do is the best you can.

What I hope to remind any bio-parent out there is that being a stepparent comes with even less glory and gratitude then being a parent. Stepparents are always second place. It's like being a bridesmaid for the rest of your life. You're happy to be included, love the bride dearly, and couldn't have accepted the duties faster when asked to join the wedding party. But like a bridesmaid, you'll always be on the sideline and never the focus of the picture. You get to walk down the isle in a pretty dress but you'll never wear the gorgeous couture gown. And to be honest, that can knock down a girl's ego from time to time. 

If I could remind bio-families of anything on behalf of Step-moms everywhere, it would be that we likely didn't cause the changes you're experiencing or blaming us for. Change would have happened no matter what; after all, its inevitable. And just like you have the capacity to love more than one child, your child has the capacity to love more than one parent.  It's not a competition, we're not trying to take your little ones heart. We simply want to provide love and affection the best way we know how and if we're doing it right, they're going to love us back. So the next time you find yourself saying something hurtful or not supporting the stepparent in your child's life, please think twice. The faster everyone learns to work together the more love and support the children will feel. And that's what really matters. 

Ironically, all the advice I've ever read on how to be a good stepmother actually says to do the opposite. The best way to be a good stepmother is to put your relationship with your husband first, and ask them to do the same. To ensure your relationship is upheld and kept important no matter what. To present a united front.

Because the most important thing you can do for your stepchild is to provide them with a stable, loving home.

Eventually, when they grow up, you will no longer be a "stepmonster". And maybe, if you’re really lucky, you’ll get to be their friend.

Someday hopefully your stepchildren will say “Thanks for helping raise me. I truly love you.” 

A friend sent this to me a few years ago and I have kept it, so I will close with this :)

Stepmother’s Bill of Rights  

1. Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.
2. I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.
3. People outside the immediate family – including ex-wives, in-laws and adult children – cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.
4. I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.
5. I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.
6. I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.
7. I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.
8. Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.
9. I will never be treated as an “outsider” in my own home.
10. My husband and stepchildren must treat me with respect.