And it starts....again.....

Today marks the 1 month countdown until the day my last baby celebrates another birthday. I still can't believe he will be 4! Then exactly 1 month and 3 days after his birthday comes the birthday of our little Princess, who will be 6. Seriously, where does the time go?

When I look at my life, it’s divided into two clear sections: before kids and after. The day our Princess was born, my life began. I almost can’t remember what my world was like before that day. From that point on, everything had changed; I had a purpose. It was completely and utterly clear that I was put on this planet to be a mother to this child. Then, 23 months later, that feeling intensified as we welcomed our second bundle of joy into the world.

For the past almost 6 years, I've immersed myself into these children. Oh, the things we love to do: we go to the park, do arts and crafts, go digging for bugs, make forts—you know, all that cute little-kid stuff. But now, those things are slowly no longer appealing to them—rightly so. But they still appeal to me. Doesn't that count for anything?

I long for those baby days. I miss those days. Yeah, it was hard and I struggled to keep it all together. But I also loved it with every fiber of my being.

So I find myself at times  crying over toys that my children no longer desire. Every time I get like this—I try to remind myself of the beauty that is my children growing up. I think of all the things that are cool about their not being babies anymore. Truth be told, we do have a lot more fun as a family these days. We can take in a movie that does not include cartoon characters, go out to eat without a fuss, amusement parks, fishing, museums, hiking, and so much more..... oh how I enjoy watching my kids enjoy themselves.

I love who my children are today. I love seeing their little personalities develop and grow—yet I yearn for the past. But I have recently begun to ask myself: If I were go to back in time to hang out with them as toddlers, would I miss the older children they are becoming today? 

Yes… I would probably miss it all very much. The fact is—and what I need to continue to remind myself with each little meltdown—that each age and stage brings something new and exciting. The hard part, however, is saying goodbye to the stage before—to the little pieces of innocence that keep chipping away.

But even given that fact, I still miss the days when they were real little and completely dependent on me. And I wonder what will become of me when they no longer need me.

I miss the adorable little people who used to place me at the center of their world. But I am so proud of the little people they’re becoming. I must force myself to see the beauty in that.