It's not as glamorous as it seems

I repeatedly get asked questions about military life by my civilian friends and family.  I'm often faced with good intending yet frustrating questions. Not frustrating because of the questions themselves, but frustrating because I just can't answer them. I either don't know how to answer, I'm sworn to OPSEC secrecy, or it's impossible for civilians (myself included sometimes) to truly understand the sacrifices our service members make for our country.  And it has come to my attention that my life is quite glamorous and I am so lucky. Glamorous? Maybe once a year when I go to the USMC Ball with my husband. Lucky? Oh yes you bet your last dollar I am.  

THE TOP QUESTIONS NOT TO ASK A MILITARY SPOUSE

12) I don't know how you do it.

Well, guess what? In all honesty, I don't know how I do it either. I just do. Because really, what other choice do I have? We do it because we have no other choice. These are a wife's options. She can A) fall apart, or B) rise to the occasion. Most of us choose option B, even if  "rising to the occasion" only amounts to gathering the strength to make something besides macaroni and cheese or cold cereal for breakfast.

11)  If you truly supported your husband, you would be protesting so..he wouldn't have to deploy again/could be brought home/the war would end.
Really? My definition of support must be much different than that of these people. Supporting my husband means supporting him in what he does and what he believes in. It does not mean disrespecting the men and women who volunteered to defend our country and our rights. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't have the right to protest in the first place. I'm certainly not putting myself in a position where it could be construed as anything other than 100% support for our troops and their families. 

10)  I could never deal with it if my husband was gone for that long.
Hmmm...how does hearing how someone else can't deal with it help me to deal with it?  And that's why you aren't married to a service member.

9) Where exactly is your husband?

Heck if I know? There is a thing called OPSEC (Operational Security). Learn, live it, deal with it!

8)  "Your husband won't have to leave again, will he?" "Are you scared that something may happen to him while he's gone?"

This one has always really perplexed me. Of course, I'm scared. I wouldn't be human if I wasn't. But being reminded of the fact that he may have to leave again or something may happen to him doesn't help me out.

 7)Do you miss him?

Every time I was asked this, I just wanted to respond "Oh, no, definitely not. I like it when he's gone. It gives me the chance to be all by myself 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with 2 kids that are constant reminder that 1/2 my heart is not with me. Who wouldn't want that?" Of course, I miss him. Wouldn't you miss your husband?

6)   Do you worry about him cheating on you? Or along the same lines...How can you go without sex for so long?
Well, people, it is a little thing called self control. That and a love for my husband and respect for my marriage. Do some people cheat? Sure they do - both here in the states and overseas. But people cheat in civilian marriages too. Being in the military has no bearing on that. And furthermore, there are a LOT of marriages that DO survive even after one or the other has been unfaithful on both the military side and the civilian side of life. It happens, nobody is perfect, and though the time and distance apart isn't helpful to regular routine family life, if someone is going to cheat, they are going to do it whether they are on the other side of the world or lying right next to you every night in bed.

5) I know just how you feel. My husband was on a business trip last month for three days and I just thought I would die.

Are you kidding me? First, I barely notice now if my husband is only gone for three days. Second, unless his business trip was to a place where everyone is openly carrying a gun in the street trying to kill him, suicide bombers and roadside bombs are prevalent, his ship could be attacked, or his plane could crash, its not remotely close to being the same. The only thing I may give you on this one is that you know what it's like to sleep in an empty bed.

4) Doesn't it bother you that he misses out on so much of your children's lives?

This question is very hard to answer. Not because I can't find the words, but because it really is something that hits me really close to the heart. I can't stand that my husband has to be away for long hours, a few weeks at a time, or on deployments. But, I do know that we are raising some resilient children.

3)  I'm so sorry your husband had to be deployed. Don't you hate the president?
My husband joined the military of his own free will (BEFORE  9/11) knowing full well that he would probably be deployed. The President may be the one running the show, but my husband knew what he was getting into when he joined. I'm proud of him and his accomplishments. 

2)  I can't believe your husband did this to you. Aren't you mad at him?

Um, what?! My husband didn't do anything to me. He honors his agreements and he follows the orders of his superiors. There's certainly nothing sad or maddening about having a husband who fulfills his commitments. Don't feel sorry for me. I'm proud of my husband and I completely support him

1) Did you watch the news the other night about all those people who were killed?  Your husband isn't there is he?

 NO! I didn't, and I'm not going to see the news. And quite frankly, statistically, my husband has a greater chance of being killed or seriously injured in a car accident driving on the highways every day than he ever did when he was deployed. And that is a fact.

 Clearly there is a disconnect between what military families want to talk about and what civilians want to know. This gap, I fear, is often filled with bitterness (on both sides). But the truth is that all of us have more in common than we might first imagine. For instance, military families should remember that they aren't the only ones who "do it" all by themselves. Single mothers do this every day, and they have no Homecoming in sight. Likewise, there are other careers that are equally as dangerous as the military and involve the same amount of commitment to service.

Having said all of that, I recognize in a deeply personal way the unique aspects and demands of military life. And I know that the one thing a civilian can never go wrong saying to a military wife is, "Thank you."