How to deal with people who complain all the time

We have all been there. Whether it was friends or family that were annoying us all the time with their endless complaints and not doing anything about it attitudes. I find that there is a lot of this in the Military community because we are constantly being put in situations the average person isn't used to. But what do we do? How do we deal with these sorts of people without being rude? Here are some little tips I came up with during a recent conversation with a close friend of mine. (Thanks Ash) 

There is a difference between someone who needs help and a chronic complainer. A person who is actually asking a question or wants advice will ask once and generally take it or thank you for your suggestions. A chronic complainer does not want actual solutions to the problems they are talking about or for you to join in their complaints. If they did, once you gave them a solution, they would stop complaining. Generally ignoring and confronting them won't work since they may become more agitated, passive-aggressive or unload on someone else, which could make the whole situation blow way out of proportion.

So here are some tips:

• Show complainers you understand. The key to stopping the complainer is to give them what they want, and complainers want empathy. This is why solutions like joining with them ("yes, they are just pathetic"), cheering them up, or ignoring them may not solve the problem. Saying things like "I don't know how you deal with so much" or "It really sounds like you had a tough day" eliminates the cycle of complaints and gives the complainer what he is looking for.
• Don't be sarcastic, and you don't have to agree with complainers. Realize that what may seem like a trivial matter for you, is a big deal for them, and the proof is that they are going on and on about it.
• Try different solutions. There is no one solution that will work for every person. Agreeing with the complainer since this may "take the wind out of his sails." Particularly if the complainer is looking for arguments, the quickest way to end an argument is to concede. Sharing a story of someone who perhaps was in a similar situation. This separates you from telling the person what to do (which may appear bossy) into you telling a story of someone else. It may help them stop and think.
• Let them vent into a solution. Writing it out for everyone to see. Try writing on a board two columns, one entitled "Ways to Make It Work," the second, "Why It Won't Work." Have the person come up with ideas for both sides, then cross out the second section and say that we need to focus on fixing the problem and move on.
• Try jokes. If you have been told by others that you do have a good sense of humor (not in your personal opinion) try to find a way to make the situation funny. Do not embarrass the complainer. Try to focus on you or the general situation. While the complainer may not laugh at first, if they see that others laugh at it, they may begin to realize there is something wrong with them or their perception.
• Set boundaries. There may be some things you can't solve. Some people only complain when a painful past issue or hot topic is brought up. If this is not something you can or want to solve, put a boundary on what you or they will talk about.

If you get seriously get fed up listening to the complainer complain. Then be honest and say that you don't want to hear it anymore. Sometimes we become so consumed in other peoples issues that when it comes to dealing with our own, we don't. Never let someone else's problems become yours. It's a vicious cycle. 

Where does the time go?

It’s almost that time. My last child is getting too old for naps and that special time I had with him, snuggling up in the afternoon is finally going to be gone. My favorite part of parenting has always been that feeling of a child curling up on my chest or snuggling next to me and then going to sleep. I don’t know how else to explain it except that it feels like a perpetual hug. I wish they could stay little for a lot longer.

My kids are growing so fast. Brycen will be 3 in four weeks and Alanna will be 5 in less than two months.

• Caitlyn is growing too fast. She’s starting to look long and beautiful, a real little lady.

• Alanna is our little book worm. She is so smart and picks up things very easily. She will be the brainiac of the three.

• Brycen is no longer the noisy toy loving kid he used to be. Now he’s all about monster trucks and trains. He gets excited about playing with legos and building things. He is also so inquisitive.

All of this is cool. It’s amazing to watch them grow and mature. When I first saw it happening in them I comforted myself with, “They'll always be my babies.”

Now that’s going away too.

Brycen wants to be like his older siblings so badly that he tries to do everything they do. Sometimes he succeeds but mostly it just ends in frustration. It’s very cute to watch, we comfort him and it all works out. He throws the most tantrums but I understand where it comes from. And I see in his eyes the understanding he is acquiring about everything around him and he doesn't want to be little anymore. At almost 3 he is done with baby toys, tricycles, and almost pull-ups and will start t-ball sooner than I can imagine.

Regularly, someone I’m talking to will say, “Hey, pretty soon your littlest one will be going off to Kindergarten and you’ll have all of them in school full time. Wow, you’ll enjoy that!”

I just wish they’d shut up!

Time? Where do I find the time?

As a mom I sometimes feel stressed everyday because it feels that I have too much to do and not enough time to get it done.  As a busy mom of 2 I know this feeling all too well.  Fortunately I have somewhat learned how to use  time management skills that I learned from my own mother, other moms, and in the workplace to manage my time at home.  I believe that balance in life is one of the keys to happiness, and that all moms should be able to balance what they have to do with what they want to do.

My days are very busy and there is always too much to do and not enough time.  

However, at the end of the day I almost always get it all done.  

My day is full of little events, activities and chores that fill up, even before it starts. Most of these things seem insignificant and usually never ending. We fill up our days with wiping counters, cleaning up our children's messes, playing, and running errands. In between breaths and during naps, we check email, update our Facebook and maybe even grab a cup of coffee.

What about the important things of the day? The big events? The big projects? The big priorities? Like reading to your kids every day, being attentive to your husband, spending quiet time with your Bible or keeping your body healthy with food and exercise? Will they fit into our lives when we are overrun with all the little things?

Hardly. As mothers we generally spend more time focused on others—school schedules, husband’s work and kids’ activities. And our big priorities? They become an afterthought. 

What if you got up early and read your Bible? What if you stopped fretting about spotless floors and spent time playing with your kids? What if you shut the computer during breakfast and talked about your kids’ day? What would happen to all those little things that “have to” get done?

I know, as a mom, I don’t have time for time management! I volunteer with the SNCO Wives Club, go to Bible study,  Assistant Coach my daughters soccer team, I am our church Nursery Coordinator, I volunteer as a FRA for my husbands squadron, and keep busy with other activities. But I do have time for priorities. I do have time to do what's important. I do have time to focus on the good, big, significant things.

Putting the laundry away. Spending an hour or two with my husband before I fall asleep. Reading my Bible before the kids wake up. Taking a shower and getting dressed before breakfast.

When I do those things, I find myself empowered to tackle bigger things while still enjoying the small things (Facebook, blogging, girls’ nights out , and getting pampered) as I want.

The value of "military" friendships :)

So in the past 7 years of being a Military Spouse I have learned quite a bit about friendships.  You enter an entirely new lifestyle that only those living it can fully understand.

Recently I said "see ya later" to my best friend.  She is my partner in crime, my confidant, my battle buddy, my stand-in spouse when my real spouse is gone. And a few short days ago, she left me behind as she embarked on her next PCS adventure. And in the next few months I will be the one saying "see you later". 

Saying “good-bye” to friends is not a unique concept in our military world. We’re always on the move. We don’t have the luxury of settling down in one location for the rest of our lives, of watching our children grow up with the same circle of friends they’ve had since birth, of knowing we’ll never have to update our address books. No, most military families are in a constant state of motion. And with all that moving around comes a steady stream of good-byes.

So how do we handle all these good-byes? How do we maintain and nurture the friendships we form throughout our military travels?

It’s not easy, but remember, we’re Military Spouses. So we use the skills we've learned from being married to service members and apply them to our friends. We adapt. We make the effort to communicate. We alter our expectations. We rely on technology. We send care packages. We find ways to overcome time and distance. We get creative. And at the end of the day, we remind ourselves of the secret formula that makes military spouse friendships as long-lasting and special as they are:

Our bonds don’t break. There’s something about sharing the ups and downs of military life with other spouses that strengthens our bond with each other. I have friends who have no connection to the military, and as close as we may be in every other aspect of our lives, we will never have the bond I share with my Military friends.

We’re only a phone call apart. We may be geographically challenged, but that doesn't matter when it comes to our friendships. Thanks to cell phones, Facebook, email, texting, and Skype, our friends are never as far away as we think they are. Sure, they may not be around to meet up for a play date or a Girl's Night Out, but they’re still there when we need to share exciting news or shed a few tears. (Plus, we’ll never complain about phone calls in the middle of the night. Our husbands call at all hours of the day. We’re used to it.)

We will meet again. I know that someday my friend and I may or may not be stationed together again. But it’s never good-bye. It’s see you later.

We pick up where we left off. It doesn't matter if we've lived on opposite ends of the country or world for years, when we do finally meet again, we manage to fall right back into step with each other as if we had simply been on vacation. Children may get bigger and we may change, but our friendships remain the same.

In the next couple of days, my best friend will be crossing state lines and opening the front door to a house that is no longer than an hour from my parents house. She will no longer be the emergency contact listed, she will won't be one of my stops to say "hi", she won't come over to hang out, and she won't be at Girls Nights Out. I’m heartbroken that she’s gone, but I know eventually that revolving door will bring her back to me, and we’ll pick up where we left off. 

I am sad but happy all at the same time. This life is so wonderful in so many ways and it gives us many opportunities to meet the AMAZING people we call FRIENDS! 

It's not as glamorous as it seems

I repeatedly get asked questions about military life by my civilian friends and family.  I'm often faced with good intending yet frustrating questions. Not frustrating because of the questions themselves, but frustrating because I just can't answer them. I either don't know how to answer, I'm sworn to OPSEC secrecy, or it's impossible for civilians (myself included sometimes) to truly understand the sacrifices our service members make for our country.  And it has come to my attention that my life is quite glamorous and I am so lucky. Glamorous? Maybe once a year when I go to the USMC Ball with my husband. Lucky? Oh yes you bet your last dollar I am.  

THE TOP QUESTIONS NOT TO ASK A MILITARY SPOUSE

12) I don't know how you do it.

Well, guess what? In all honesty, I don't know how I do it either. I just do. Because really, what other choice do I have? We do it because we have no other choice. These are a wife's options. She can A) fall apart, or B) rise to the occasion. Most of us choose option B, even if  "rising to the occasion" only amounts to gathering the strength to make something besides macaroni and cheese or cold cereal for breakfast.

11)  If you truly supported your husband, you would be protesting so..he wouldn't have to deploy again/could be brought home/the war would end.
Really? My definition of support must be much different than that of these people. Supporting my husband means supporting him in what he does and what he believes in. It does not mean disrespecting the men and women who volunteered to defend our country and our rights. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't have the right to protest in the first place. I'm certainly not putting myself in a position where it could be construed as anything other than 100% support for our troops and their families. 

10)  I could never deal with it if my husband was gone for that long.
Hmmm...how does hearing how someone else can't deal with it help me to deal with it?  And that's why you aren't married to a service member.

9) Where exactly is your husband?

Heck if I know? There is a thing called OPSEC (Operational Security). Learn, live it, deal with it!

8)  "Your husband won't have to leave again, will he?" "Are you scared that something may happen to him while he's gone?"

This one has always really perplexed me. Of course, I'm scared. I wouldn't be human if I wasn't. But being reminded of the fact that he may have to leave again or something may happen to him doesn't help me out.

 7)Do you miss him?

Every time I was asked this, I just wanted to respond "Oh, no, definitely not. I like it when he's gone. It gives me the chance to be all by myself 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with 2 kids that are constant reminder that 1/2 my heart is not with me. Who wouldn't want that?" Of course, I miss him. Wouldn't you miss your husband?

6)   Do you worry about him cheating on you? Or along the same lines...How can you go without sex for so long?
Well, people, it is a little thing called self control. That and a love for my husband and respect for my marriage. Do some people cheat? Sure they do - both here in the states and overseas. But people cheat in civilian marriages too. Being in the military has no bearing on that. And furthermore, there are a LOT of marriages that DO survive even after one or the other has been unfaithful on both the military side and the civilian side of life. It happens, nobody is perfect, and though the time and distance apart isn't helpful to regular routine family life, if someone is going to cheat, they are going to do it whether they are on the other side of the world or lying right next to you every night in bed.

5) I know just how you feel. My husband was on a business trip last month for three days and I just thought I would die.

Are you kidding me? First, I barely notice now if my husband is only gone for three days. Second, unless his business trip was to a place where everyone is openly carrying a gun in the street trying to kill him, suicide bombers and roadside bombs are prevalent, his ship could be attacked, or his plane could crash, its not remotely close to being the same. The only thing I may give you on this one is that you know what it's like to sleep in an empty bed.

4) Doesn't it bother you that he misses out on so much of your children's lives?

This question is very hard to answer. Not because I can't find the words, but because it really is something that hits me really close to the heart. I can't stand that my husband has to be away for long hours, a few weeks at a time, or on deployments. But, I do know that we are raising some resilient children.

3)  I'm so sorry your husband had to be deployed. Don't you hate the president?
My husband joined the military of his own free will (BEFORE  9/11) knowing full well that he would probably be deployed. The President may be the one running the show, but my husband knew what he was getting into when he joined. I'm proud of him and his accomplishments. 

2)  I can't believe your husband did this to you. Aren't you mad at him?

Um, what?! My husband didn't do anything to me. He honors his agreements and he follows the orders of his superiors. There's certainly nothing sad or maddening about having a husband who fulfills his commitments. Don't feel sorry for me. I'm proud of my husband and I completely support him

1) Did you watch the news the other night about all those people who were killed?  Your husband isn't there is he?

 NO! I didn't, and I'm not going to see the news. And quite frankly, statistically, my husband has a greater chance of being killed or seriously injured in a car accident driving on the highways every day than he ever did when he was deployed. And that is a fact.

 Clearly there is a disconnect between what military families want to talk about and what civilians want to know. This gap, I fear, is often filled with bitterness (on both sides). But the truth is that all of us have more in common than we might first imagine. For instance, military families should remember that they aren't the only ones who "do it" all by themselves. Single mothers do this every day, and they have no Homecoming in sight. Likewise, there are other careers that are equally as dangerous as the military and involve the same amount of commitment to service.

Having said all of that, I recognize in a deeply personal way the unique aspects and demands of military life. And I know that the one thing a civilian can never go wrong saying to a military wife is, "Thank you."

You ever have one of "those" days?

So today started out great. I got in the shower, got dressed, and got the kids ready for our day. On the way to take Alanna to school I was stopped behind a truck at a stop sign. Brycen had taken off his seat belt and as I leaned back to help him get it back on, I let my foot off the break just enough for my car to roll in to the guy in front of me's tow hitch. UGH!!!! So a busted headlight and scuffed up bumper later, my day was off to a sarcastically fantastic start. What was even worse was on this very day 2 years ago, I was rear ended. As the day progressed I found myself getting very angry, feeling like I had to blame it on something, or someone. I have just got caught up with everything financially and was ready to start planning for the next few months (which include Halloween, the kids, b-days, the USMC Ball, Christmas, New Years, and tons of parties). So to think about having to pay my $500 deductible was just stressing me out. Have you ever had something happen on one day where it just brings up all the crappy stuff that has happened before it? Well today I did!
Matt is in Colorado on training for a few weeks so of course this would happen. See it always seems like when he goes on training's that's when I get this "curse" that us military wives speak of. He was gone for 10 1/2 months and nothing major happened. The expenses we had on his "piece of work" truck were somewhat anticipated before he left. But when he leaves on training's it gets pretty stressful in the Grisham House. 
As the day went on I was mopey and just kind of under the weather. I am stressed out and I am just plain mad. But as I sit here, I am thinking that I am incredibly lucky that no one is hurt, that it was just minor damage, and the other vehicle was fine. Sometimes we get so caught up in the things that are going on in our "own" lives that we forget that we have a lot to be truly blessed by. 
I sometimes vent to my husband in a condemning manner without meaning to. Yes he has had lots of things go wrong with his truck, yes he has spent money at the wrong times on the wrong things, yes we have spent most of our marriage cleaning up our past money matters. I can try to blame the stress on the events leading up to now, but in all honesty the past is the past and I need to leave it that way. 
You know the saying "you never know what you have until it's gone"? Well I have learned a thing or two about that phrase myself. I have a lot of times been so caught up in what I do for the family that I forget what he does. Yes, I take care of most everything around here....so I thought. It wasn't until my husband left on his last deployment that I realized just how much he did do. It wasn't until I was taking out the trash, feeding and bathing the dog, washing the car, grilling some food, washing dishes after dinner, grabbing a chair to hang up pics, or doing any handy work at all. That I realized that "wow, he really does a lot more than I give him credit for". Upon my realization I did share with him my revelation so to speak. He really was so thankful just to hear that I did appreciate all the things he does for us, as well as our country. 
I guess my point is that we all have a lot on our plates and things that stress us out. But it is very important to not forget about the ones who sacrifice and do things for us as well. If it wasn't for my husbands undying commitment to his family and our country, we would not have a leg to stand on. 

Don't allow the past to determine how you feel one day to the next. Live each day as it is meant be...NEW!
Tell the ones you love that you love and appreciate them. And last but not least, never ever take for granted the blessings you have in life, for they may not always last forever. 

It's not a competition girls!

In the past 7 years as a Marine spouse, I have run into this a lot more than I had in the "civilian" world. So I ask, why do military wives feel the need to one up each other for who has the worst situation? Let me give you a few examples of what I’m referring to.

1. “You sure are lucky your husband isn't gone all the time and has only deployed once. My life is much harder than yours because my man deploys for xx months or is always gone on training's and workups.”  Okay well I am sorry that this is the case for some women. I have not endured but one deployment (10 1/2 months), my husband did not miss our kids births (we planned them while he was "non-deployable" as an Instructor). But my husbands job does require him to work long hours, he has an inconsistent schedule, and he leaves on DET's for 2-6 weeks at at time through out the year. It is not about how long he is gone. Separations from our loved ones are separations period. It doesn't matter if it’s for two weeks or two years, if its for boot camp, deployment, school, or training, it is still a separation. No matter what the situation may be, we all know what it is like to have to sleep in an empty bed. To wake up in the middle of the night thinking it was all a bad dream until you roll over and once again, he’s not there. To jump every time the phone rings hoping its him, and to panic every time the doorbell rings hoping you won’t find someone in a dress uniform on the other side.

2.  “My husband is in the field (or gone for any extended amount of time other than work) for two weeks. We've never been apart before and I don’t know how to cope" or I hate that he is gone all the time,  Any tips?” 
This could just as easily read basic training, any school, etc. The reactions from others: “Be happy he’s not in a war zone”,“Get over it, you signed on for this life”,“My husband’s been deployed for XX months. You have it so easy, quit complaining.”
Come on really? We are supposed to support each other. We should do what we can to help a fellow military spouse through whatever it is she is enduring especially if we have "I've been there, done that" advice. Why do we feel the need to play the “who’s got it worse” game? 

3. Families who feel they have the "right to know" what's going on, that being away is so much harder on them, or that if something happens to my husband that I can "just replace him".

Wow! Let’s just say I’m sure you could see the steam coming from my ears with this one. I’m not trying to debate who has it harder. But no life is replaceable and had they really thought about it, they would see how ridiculous that statement is since every husband is someone’s son. Losing my husband would be beyond devastating. And even though he is a Marine I am not prepared and actually don't even like to think of him being gone forever. I can say that (and most the time) I didn't even know where he was when he was gone. I didn't get to talk to him all the time. No he doesn't just get to communicate whenever he wants. He had to wait in line for 2+ hours to talk to me sometimes, so of course I'd be the first one he called. There is a thing called OPSEC...learn it!

In closing, we all share common ground and we can make our military communities stronger by being supportive of one another. Reach out to the wife who’s having a hard time dealing with her husband at basic training. Take the time to offer some tips to the wife who is about to endure her first deployment. Make plans with the wife who's husband is away on training. Just imagine the impact you may have on someone. For them to know that someone cares about their well being and wants to be sure they are okay and offer their help.