It's not as glamorous as it seems

I repeatedly get asked questions about military life by my civilian friends and family.  I'm often faced with good intending yet frustrating questions. Not frustrating because of the questions themselves, but frustrating because I just can't answer them. I either don't know how to answer, I'm sworn to OPSEC secrecy, or it's impossible for civilians (myself included sometimes) to truly understand the sacrifices our service members make for our country.  And it has come to my attention that my life is quite glamorous and I am so lucky. Glamorous? Maybe once a year when I go to the USMC Ball with my husband. Lucky? Oh yes you bet your last dollar I am.  

THE TOP QUESTIONS NOT TO ASK A MILITARY SPOUSE

12) I don't know how you do it.

Well, guess what? In all honesty, I don't know how I do it either. I just do. Because really, what other choice do I have? We do it because we have no other choice. These are a wife's options. She can A) fall apart, or B) rise to the occasion. Most of us choose option B, even if  "rising to the occasion" only amounts to gathering the strength to make something besides macaroni and cheese or cold cereal for breakfast.

11)  If you truly supported your husband, you would be protesting so..he wouldn't have to deploy again/could be brought home/the war would end.
Really? My definition of support must be much different than that of these people. Supporting my husband means supporting him in what he does and what he believes in. It does not mean disrespecting the men and women who volunteered to defend our country and our rights. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't have the right to protest in the first place. I'm certainly not putting myself in a position where it could be construed as anything other than 100% support for our troops and their families. 

10)  I could never deal with it if my husband was gone for that long.
Hmmm...how does hearing how someone else can't deal with it help me to deal with it?  And that's why you aren't married to a service member.

9) Where exactly is your husband?

Heck if I know? There is a thing called OPSEC (Operational Security). Learn, live it, deal with it!

8)  "Your husband won't have to leave again, will he?" "Are you scared that something may happen to him while he's gone?"

This one has always really perplexed me. Of course, I'm scared. I wouldn't be human if I wasn't. But being reminded of the fact that he may have to leave again or something may happen to him doesn't help me out.

 7)Do you miss him?

Every time I was asked this, I just wanted to respond "Oh, no, definitely not. I like it when he's gone. It gives me the chance to be all by myself 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with 2 kids that are constant reminder that 1/2 my heart is not with me. Who wouldn't want that?" Of course, I miss him. Wouldn't you miss your husband?

6)   Do you worry about him cheating on you? Or along the same lines...How can you go without sex for so long?
Well, people, it is a little thing called self control. That and a love for my husband and respect for my marriage. Do some people cheat? Sure they do - both here in the states and overseas. But people cheat in civilian marriages too. Being in the military has no bearing on that. And furthermore, there are a LOT of marriages that DO survive even after one or the other has been unfaithful on both the military side and the civilian side of life. It happens, nobody is perfect, and though the time and distance apart isn't helpful to regular routine family life, if someone is going to cheat, they are going to do it whether they are on the other side of the world or lying right next to you every night in bed.

5) I know just how you feel. My husband was on a business trip last month for three days and I just thought I would die.

Are you kidding me? First, I barely notice now if my husband is only gone for three days. Second, unless his business trip was to a place where everyone is openly carrying a gun in the street trying to kill him, suicide bombers and roadside bombs are prevalent, his ship could be attacked, or his plane could crash, its not remotely close to being the same. The only thing I may give you on this one is that you know what it's like to sleep in an empty bed.

4) Doesn't it bother you that he misses out on so much of your children's lives?

This question is very hard to answer. Not because I can't find the words, but because it really is something that hits me really close to the heart. I can't stand that my husband has to be away for long hours, a few weeks at a time, or on deployments. But, I do know that we are raising some resilient children.

3)  I'm so sorry your husband had to be deployed. Don't you hate the president?
My husband joined the military of his own free will (BEFORE  9/11) knowing full well that he would probably be deployed. The President may be the one running the show, but my husband knew what he was getting into when he joined. I'm proud of him and his accomplishments. 

2)  I can't believe your husband did this to you. Aren't you mad at him?

Um, what?! My husband didn't do anything to me. He honors his agreements and he follows the orders of his superiors. There's certainly nothing sad or maddening about having a husband who fulfills his commitments. Don't feel sorry for me. I'm proud of my husband and I completely support him

1) Did you watch the news the other night about all those people who were killed?  Your husband isn't there is he?

 NO! I didn't, and I'm not going to see the news. And quite frankly, statistically, my husband has a greater chance of being killed or seriously injured in a car accident driving on the highways every day than he ever did when he was deployed. And that is a fact.

 Clearly there is a disconnect between what military families want to talk about and what civilians want to know. This gap, I fear, is often filled with bitterness (on both sides). But the truth is that all of us have more in common than we might first imagine. For instance, military families should remember that they aren't the only ones who "do it" all by themselves. Single mothers do this every day, and they have no Homecoming in sight. Likewise, there are other careers that are equally as dangerous as the military and involve the same amount of commitment to service.

Having said all of that, I recognize in a deeply personal way the unique aspects and demands of military life. And I know that the one thing a civilian can never go wrong saying to a military wife is, "Thank you."

You ever have one of "those" days?

So today started out great. I got in the shower, got dressed, and got the kids ready for our day. On the way to take Alanna to school I was stopped behind a truck at a stop sign. Brycen had taken off his seat belt and as I leaned back to help him get it back on, I let my foot off the break just enough for my car to roll in to the guy in front of me's tow hitch. UGH!!!! So a busted headlight and scuffed up bumper later, my day was off to a sarcastically fantastic start. What was even worse was on this very day 2 years ago, I was rear ended. As the day progressed I found myself getting very angry, feeling like I had to blame it on something, or someone. I have just got caught up with everything financially and was ready to start planning for the next few months (which include Halloween, the kids, b-days, the USMC Ball, Christmas, New Years, and tons of parties). So to think about having to pay my $500 deductible was just stressing me out. Have you ever had something happen on one day where it just brings up all the crappy stuff that has happened before it? Well today I did!
Matt is in Colorado on training for a few weeks so of course this would happen. See it always seems like when he goes on training's that's when I get this "curse" that us military wives speak of. He was gone for 10 1/2 months and nothing major happened. The expenses we had on his "piece of work" truck were somewhat anticipated before he left. But when he leaves on training's it gets pretty stressful in the Grisham House. 
As the day went on I was mopey and just kind of under the weather. I am stressed out and I am just plain mad. But as I sit here, I am thinking that I am incredibly lucky that no one is hurt, that it was just minor damage, and the other vehicle was fine. Sometimes we get so caught up in the things that are going on in our "own" lives that we forget that we have a lot to be truly blessed by. 
I sometimes vent to my husband in a condemning manner without meaning to. Yes he has had lots of things go wrong with his truck, yes he has spent money at the wrong times on the wrong things, yes we have spent most of our marriage cleaning up our past money matters. I can try to blame the stress on the events leading up to now, but in all honesty the past is the past and I need to leave it that way. 
You know the saying "you never know what you have until it's gone"? Well I have learned a thing or two about that phrase myself. I have a lot of times been so caught up in what I do for the family that I forget what he does. Yes, I take care of most everything around here....so I thought. It wasn't until my husband left on his last deployment that I realized just how much he did do. It wasn't until I was taking out the trash, feeding and bathing the dog, washing the car, grilling some food, washing dishes after dinner, grabbing a chair to hang up pics, or doing any handy work at all. That I realized that "wow, he really does a lot more than I give him credit for". Upon my realization I did share with him my revelation so to speak. He really was so thankful just to hear that I did appreciate all the things he does for us, as well as our country. 
I guess my point is that we all have a lot on our plates and things that stress us out. But it is very important to not forget about the ones who sacrifice and do things for us as well. If it wasn't for my husbands undying commitment to his family and our country, we would not have a leg to stand on. 

Don't allow the past to determine how you feel one day to the next. Live each day as it is meant be...NEW!
Tell the ones you love that you love and appreciate them. And last but not least, never ever take for granted the blessings you have in life, for they may not always last forever. 

It's not a competition girls!

In the past 7 years as a Marine spouse, I have run into this a lot more than I had in the "civilian" world. So I ask, why do military wives feel the need to one up each other for who has the worst situation? Let me give you a few examples of what I’m referring to.

1. “You sure are lucky your husband isn't gone all the time and has only deployed once. My life is much harder than yours because my man deploys for xx months or is always gone on training's and workups.”  Okay well I am sorry that this is the case for some women. I have not endured but one deployment (10 1/2 months), my husband did not miss our kids births (we planned them while he was "non-deployable" as an Instructor). But my husbands job does require him to work long hours, he has an inconsistent schedule, and he leaves on DET's for 2-6 weeks at at time through out the year. It is not about how long he is gone. Separations from our loved ones are separations period. It doesn't matter if it’s for two weeks or two years, if its for boot camp, deployment, school, or training, it is still a separation. No matter what the situation may be, we all know what it is like to have to sleep in an empty bed. To wake up in the middle of the night thinking it was all a bad dream until you roll over and once again, he’s not there. To jump every time the phone rings hoping its him, and to panic every time the doorbell rings hoping you won’t find someone in a dress uniform on the other side.

2.  “My husband is in the field (or gone for any extended amount of time other than work) for two weeks. We've never been apart before and I don’t know how to cope" or I hate that he is gone all the time,  Any tips?” 
This could just as easily read basic training, any school, etc. The reactions from others: “Be happy he’s not in a war zone”,“Get over it, you signed on for this life”,“My husband’s been deployed for XX months. You have it so easy, quit complaining.”
Come on really? We are supposed to support each other. We should do what we can to help a fellow military spouse through whatever it is she is enduring especially if we have "I've been there, done that" advice. Why do we feel the need to play the “who’s got it worse” game? 

3. Families who feel they have the "right to know" what's going on, that being away is so much harder on them, or that if something happens to my husband that I can "just replace him".

Wow! Let’s just say I’m sure you could see the steam coming from my ears with this one. I’m not trying to debate who has it harder. But no life is replaceable and had they really thought about it, they would see how ridiculous that statement is since every husband is someone’s son. Losing my husband would be beyond devastating. And even though he is a Marine I am not prepared and actually don't even like to think of him being gone forever. I can say that (and most the time) I didn't even know where he was when he was gone. I didn't get to talk to him all the time. No he doesn't just get to communicate whenever he wants. He had to wait in line for 2+ hours to talk to me sometimes, so of course I'd be the first one he called. There is a thing called OPSEC...learn it!

In closing, we all share common ground and we can make our military communities stronger by being supportive of one another. Reach out to the wife who’s having a hard time dealing with her husband at basic training. Take the time to offer some tips to the wife who is about to endure her first deployment. Make plans with the wife who's husband is away on training. Just imagine the impact you may have on someone. For them to know that someone cares about their well being and wants to be sure they are okay and offer their help.