How to deal with people who complain all the time

We have all been there. Whether it was friends or family that were annoying us all the time with their endless complaints and not doing anything about it attitudes. I find that there is a lot of this in the Military community because we are constantly being put in situations the average person isn't used to. But what do we do? How do we deal with these sorts of people without being rude? Here are some little tips I came up with during a recent conversation with a close friend of mine. (Thanks Ash) 

There is a difference between someone who needs help and a chronic complainer. A person who is actually asking a question or wants advice will ask once and generally take it or thank you for your suggestions. A chronic complainer does not want actual solutions to the problems they are talking about or for you to join in their complaints. If they did, once you gave them a solution, they would stop complaining. Generally ignoring and confronting them won't work since they may become more agitated, passive-aggressive or unload on someone else, which could make the whole situation blow way out of proportion.

So here are some tips:

• Show complainers you understand. The key to stopping the complainer is to give them what they want, and complainers want empathy. This is why solutions like joining with them ("yes, they are just pathetic"), cheering them up, or ignoring them may not solve the problem. Saying things like "I don't know how you deal with so much" or "It really sounds like you had a tough day" eliminates the cycle of complaints and gives the complainer what he is looking for.
• Don't be sarcastic, and you don't have to agree with complainers. Realize that what may seem like a trivial matter for you, is a big deal for them, and the proof is that they are going on and on about it.
• Try different solutions. There is no one solution that will work for every person. Agreeing with the complainer since this may "take the wind out of his sails." Particularly if the complainer is looking for arguments, the quickest way to end an argument is to concede. Sharing a story of someone who perhaps was in a similar situation. This separates you from telling the person what to do (which may appear bossy) into you telling a story of someone else. It may help them stop and think.
• Let them vent into a solution. Writing it out for everyone to see. Try writing on a board two columns, one entitled "Ways to Make It Work," the second, "Why It Won't Work." Have the person come up with ideas for both sides, then cross out the second section and say that we need to focus on fixing the problem and move on.
• Try jokes. If you have been told by others that you do have a good sense of humor (not in your personal opinion) try to find a way to make the situation funny. Do not embarrass the complainer. Try to focus on you or the general situation. While the complainer may not laugh at first, if they see that others laugh at it, they may begin to realize there is something wrong with them or their perception.
• Set boundaries. There may be some things you can't solve. Some people only complain when a painful past issue or hot topic is brought up. If this is not something you can or want to solve, put a boundary on what you or they will talk about.

If you get seriously get fed up listening to the complainer complain. Then be honest and say that you don't want to hear it anymore. Sometimes we become so consumed in other peoples issues that when it comes to dealing with our own, we don't. Never let someone else's problems become yours. It's a vicious cycle. 

Where does the time go?

It’s almost that time. My last child is getting too old for naps and that special time I had with him, snuggling up in the afternoon is finally going to be gone. My favorite part of parenting has always been that feeling of a child curling up on my chest or snuggling next to me and then going to sleep. I don’t know how else to explain it except that it feels like a perpetual hug. I wish they could stay little for a lot longer.

My kids are growing so fast. Brycen will be 3 in four weeks and Alanna will be 5 in less than two months.

• Caitlyn is growing too fast. She’s starting to look long and beautiful, a real little lady.

• Alanna is our little book worm. She is so smart and picks up things very easily. She will be the brainiac of the three.

• Brycen is no longer the noisy toy loving kid he used to be. Now he’s all about monster trucks and trains. He gets excited about playing with legos and building things. He is also so inquisitive.

All of this is cool. It’s amazing to watch them grow and mature. When I first saw it happening in them I comforted myself with, “They'll always be my babies.”

Now that’s going away too.

Brycen wants to be like his older siblings so badly that he tries to do everything they do. Sometimes he succeeds but mostly it just ends in frustration. It’s very cute to watch, we comfort him and it all works out. He throws the most tantrums but I understand where it comes from. And I see in his eyes the understanding he is acquiring about everything around him and he doesn't want to be little anymore. At almost 3 he is done with baby toys, tricycles, and almost pull-ups and will start t-ball sooner than I can imagine.

Regularly, someone I’m talking to will say, “Hey, pretty soon your littlest one will be going off to Kindergarten and you’ll have all of them in school full time. Wow, you’ll enjoy that!”

I just wish they’d shut up!

Time? Where do I find the time?

As a mom I sometimes feel stressed everyday because it feels that I have too much to do and not enough time to get it done.  As a busy mom of 2 I know this feeling all too well.  Fortunately I have somewhat learned how to use  time management skills that I learned from my own mother, other moms, and in the workplace to manage my time at home.  I believe that balance in life is one of the keys to happiness, and that all moms should be able to balance what they have to do with what they want to do.

My days are very busy and there is always too much to do and not enough time.  

However, at the end of the day I almost always get it all done.  

My day is full of little events, activities and chores that fill up, even before it starts. Most of these things seem insignificant and usually never ending. We fill up our days with wiping counters, cleaning up our children's messes, playing, and running errands. In between breaths and during naps, we check email, update our Facebook and maybe even grab a cup of coffee.

What about the important things of the day? The big events? The big projects? The big priorities? Like reading to your kids every day, being attentive to your husband, spending quiet time with your Bible or keeping your body healthy with food and exercise? Will they fit into our lives when we are overrun with all the little things?

Hardly. As mothers we generally spend more time focused on others—school schedules, husband’s work and kids’ activities. And our big priorities? They become an afterthought. 

What if you got up early and read your Bible? What if you stopped fretting about spotless floors and spent time playing with your kids? What if you shut the computer during breakfast and talked about your kids’ day? What would happen to all those little things that “have to” get done?

I know, as a mom, I don’t have time for time management! I volunteer with the SNCO Wives Club, go to Bible study,  Assistant Coach my daughters soccer team, I am our church Nursery Coordinator, I volunteer as a FRA for my husbands squadron, and keep busy with other activities. But I do have time for priorities. I do have time to do what's important. I do have time to focus on the good, big, significant things.

Putting the laundry away. Spending an hour or two with my husband before I fall asleep. Reading my Bible before the kids wake up. Taking a shower and getting dressed before breakfast.

When I do those things, I find myself empowered to tackle bigger things while still enjoying the small things (Facebook, blogging, girls’ nights out , and getting pampered) as I want.

The value of "military" friendships :)

So in the past 7 years of being a Military Spouse I have learned quite a bit about friendships.  You enter an entirely new lifestyle that only those living it can fully understand.

Recently I said "see ya later" to my best friend.  She is my partner in crime, my confidant, my battle buddy, my stand-in spouse when my real spouse is gone. And a few short days ago, she left me behind as she embarked on her next PCS adventure. And in the next few months I will be the one saying "see you later". 

Saying “good-bye” to friends is not a unique concept in our military world. We’re always on the move. We don’t have the luxury of settling down in one location for the rest of our lives, of watching our children grow up with the same circle of friends they’ve had since birth, of knowing we’ll never have to update our address books. No, most military families are in a constant state of motion. And with all that moving around comes a steady stream of good-byes.

So how do we handle all these good-byes? How do we maintain and nurture the friendships we form throughout our military travels?

It’s not easy, but remember, we’re Military Spouses. So we use the skills we've learned from being married to service members and apply them to our friends. We adapt. We make the effort to communicate. We alter our expectations. We rely on technology. We send care packages. We find ways to overcome time and distance. We get creative. And at the end of the day, we remind ourselves of the secret formula that makes military spouse friendships as long-lasting and special as they are:

Our bonds don’t break. There’s something about sharing the ups and downs of military life with other spouses that strengthens our bond with each other. I have friends who have no connection to the military, and as close as we may be in every other aspect of our lives, we will never have the bond I share with my Military friends.

We’re only a phone call apart. We may be geographically challenged, but that doesn't matter when it comes to our friendships. Thanks to cell phones, Facebook, email, texting, and Skype, our friends are never as far away as we think they are. Sure, they may not be around to meet up for a play date or a Girl's Night Out, but they’re still there when we need to share exciting news or shed a few tears. (Plus, we’ll never complain about phone calls in the middle of the night. Our husbands call at all hours of the day. We’re used to it.)

We will meet again. I know that someday my friend and I may or may not be stationed together again. But it’s never good-bye. It’s see you later.

We pick up where we left off. It doesn't matter if we've lived on opposite ends of the country or world for years, when we do finally meet again, we manage to fall right back into step with each other as if we had simply been on vacation. Children may get bigger and we may change, but our friendships remain the same.

In the next couple of days, my best friend will be crossing state lines and opening the front door to a house that is no longer than an hour from my parents house. She will no longer be the emergency contact listed, she will won't be one of my stops to say "hi", she won't come over to hang out, and she won't be at Girls Nights Out. I’m heartbroken that she’s gone, but I know eventually that revolving door will bring her back to me, and we’ll pick up where we left off. 

I am sad but happy all at the same time. This life is so wonderful in so many ways and it gives us many opportunities to meet the AMAZING people we call FRIENDS!